Oh my god, have not blogged in a few days haha ! But never mind. Today was like the finals of the Bowling competition and i was like so sad... Not because bowling is basically over for me for now haha.. But because like i went up to take the top game prize which is 280!! But i was like super sad because it reminded me of like all the bad things... Lucky got Kenneth Mah there to like comfort me.. If not i really would have cried.. So THANKS K MAH ! haha
Also like i really wanna thanks so many people for like helping me recover from my past incidence of "failure". First i wanna thank Anthony.. I think most probably without him i would not have even shown up on Wednesday and Thursday.. So thanks.. Super thanks haha ! You really cheered me up (: . Also like i wanna thank Elaina who like totally listened to my problems and tried to cheer me up even though she had her own problems.. Omg really thanks ! haha.. And then there's Candice & Marc who like also totally listened to my problems... Especially Marc who like chatted with me for sooo long trying to comfort me... Thanks ! And then there's Esther who like gave me OREO yay (: I love oreo !! Haha thanks alot Esther.. Especially for the note on it haha.. It helped me today ! And then Like mentioned before K MAH !! Who is now like totally one of my best friends because he has really been consoling me alot and i really wanna thanks him. Just like Anthony haha ! Who is totally one of my best friends now also omg i really owe those 2 !! Haha.
Anyway yeah.. So i am not allowed to Emo anymore ! Oh and yay i bonded a bit with Jermaine when we bowled next to each other haha ! And then uncle adam was making us do weird things.. Like putting X sign towards each other haha.. And i am making her fat !! Giving her chocolate haha... She seemed really sad but she has a strong will i really admire that !
So the end. AND MARC BLOCK ME FROM HIS TAG BOARD... SOB SOB ): ): ):
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Monday, March 24, 2008
5:55 PM
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Fuck me i am a useless retard. Fuck me i don't deserve to live. Fuck me and fuck everything I do. It only turns out bad so fuck it there is no point to this anymore. My life is a fucking hell.
Omg sry haha i just wanted to post this lyrics cose i lurbe them they gimem strength! ( apologise the bad english)
expressing the emptiness inside me..
10:14 AM
Haha so far everything from my life since Tuesday has been ok :) And i really seem to be cheering up.. Like when i bowled my 202 avg ! Yay haha that made me so aesthetic haha :). Ok so like nothing much to say about the past few days so lets see.. Oh yeah American Idol was like a bit bad this week i did'nt really like most of the performances but i LOVED david omg omg :) He is soo cute.
Omg my favourite Brooke unfortunately had a bad week but it was like she said "inevitable" because last week she already sung a totally pwnage song that was very melodious and yeah so this week if she did the same things it will be like totally boring right? So i think she still did well :). Omg but the shocking part was like Carly in bottom 3 !!?? Wtf is that about omg. And they are trying to give us new suspense which is kind of annoying. ( Excuse my so called "good" English for today because i just woke up haha)
Ok so like yesterday COE was very fun haha :) My sister came along because she has nothing better to do with her life LOL! No la, she was just freakishly bored or something but it was kinda weird haha :). But then like my sister came up to me and like asked me what water to buy and all and like i told her then OMG... Clara, Candice , Dianne , Rosevelt were like scolding me omg ! I was so called bullying her haha quite funny that day.. I enjoyed COE :) B div coming so Uncle Adam was so nice and let me bowl games and practice spares :). Although i only liked my last few shots because i was like super unwell :( But i still got it together in the end... Almost lost my forward role again... Then got it back :). So like yeah that was kinda happy but it was a bit disappointing that i didnt bowl as well as i wanted to in the practice games. Not bad though. Omg and i just realised... Clara's backswing is like SOOO much higher then mine! I think its higher then marc's ! Lol omgosh i am so weird right.
So its like after all that i went out with family :) Because my bro came back from army for the first time zz... Like first day out so that was kinda cool. Then later kinda just msned all the way till 1 am haha.. Talking to anth, jos , elaina , ken and a few other people haha.
Oh and oops had a sleepover at Jos house.. And omg no she is not my gf or anything i just went because her parents invited me haha ! And no i didn't sleep in her room, (CHANCE GONE) but in her brothers room :) (JK). Omg her brother is so cool haha we played wii till like uber late almost till i didnt want to go sch the next day... Her bro is like in fairfield so their parents sent me to sch haha :). Well actually they sent me home first haha then i went to sch wid sum1 else because i didnt want to be too much of a bother to them. :) Ok so like yeah thats it :)
X0xo, Me <3>
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
2:14 PM
A chance
This is my chance to shine, This is my chance to make it mine. Whether i take it or walk away, Its up to me to say.
A chance for me to consolidate, A chance for me to annihilate. A chance for me to start a new, A chance for me to be like the morning dew.
A chance for me to save myself, A chance for me to get picked from the shelf. A chance for me to do my best, A chance for me to beat the rest.
A chance for me to see the world, A chance for me to eclipse this swirl. A chance for me to fly away, A chance for me to soar in the day.
A chance for me to be resolute, A chance for me to be absolute. A chance for me to renew my life, A chance for me to continue this strife.
In all this time i have not been, what i was to be seen. In all this time i now have a chance, To be dragged into a heroes stance.
I feel so relieved now that some people do believe in me. I feel really happy and joyous that some people can see the silver lining in me. I really am relieved and i really do believe that i am now given a chance to start a new in this world. It was just proven to me when i bowled today, that people do believe in me and i do believe in myself and with just that, i can bowl at my best.
I really do hope that someday soon she will accept me but at least now i know people really care about me. I am so happy and i am so blessed.
Btw i bowl 202 avg today :) Yay me ! I still wish the best for all my other fellow 'b' division bowlers and Jia You! If i can do it so can u haha :) Not that i am saying anyone sucks or anything.. Omg i did it again :(. Never mind just do your best everyone haha ! :)
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
4:06 PM
Alright I have made the impromptu decision to start typing good English because it seems to be affecting my skill(s) at writing reports. I have therefore decided to turn over a new leaf(<-- note the good use of synonyms, if thats what it's called) and just get on with this.
Now i am sitting very lonely in a room with no window's or door's. Is it because i have shut myself away of the world? Or is it because i have been shunned by those around me? I woke up today in my room asking myself these questions of which i have no answer. The perplexities of life is what gives us challenges but why do i feel so dismayed when one is portrayed in front of me? Is it because i lack the capacity to follow through with my desires? Or is it because i have nobody there to be with me.
Now i wonder again to myself. Am i truly happy... to be alone? I realize now that i don't have that many close friends and day by day i seem to be losing them as if it was a race to see who could stay my friend the longest(I just made this up) and stay the truest. Also realizing i actually don't have that many friends. I am just alone in this vast world which intimidates me every time i try to take a step outside my comfort. Is it truly worth it to try? Even when you don't succeed and just fall to the ground?
I always wonder about these thing; true or false. Just like a simple kiss, i have been unable to preserve my lust. I always crave for something more when i already have what i need. Am i being selfish? Or am i being myself? Nobody truly knows who I am inside( look at the tags so few...), beneath my shallow aesthetic outlook.
It is like being washed away to a distant land, where nobody can see me and where i can see no one. I am alone on this trip because i have left what i had for something new. Only to realize that i wished to be back home. Is it truly well of me to see the world as such? Unforgiving; am I not the one who so blatantly chose this destiny where there is no goal? How i wish upon a star (Irony) for something to give me hope or for someone to give me a new beginning; where i can start anew.
Just because i am always so happy and trying my best to help people out, does not mean that i am unfeeling. I have feelings but they are never important enough. Is this why i have chosen this road? To nowhere. How it is a joy to have friends who truly care for you, of which i am blessed with but have taken for granted. And now at this phase of my life, i try my best to thrive on but i am losing hope in all. I have been so foolish all this time, looking towards a future that was not only never there but also, it disguised me from the world as one of them. How i wonder if i can be redeemed, to be forgiven, and to be taken back into the lives of others as what was originally in visioned.
How i long for the impossible, How i fear for the rain, How i cry every night, How i feel, full of fright.
How i see nothing but an empty space, How i look like a disgrace, How i discern all sensibility, How i falter from the probability.
How i am is who i am, How i think when in a jam, How i propose to speak, How i judge the weak.
How i have fallen into this land, How i made us disband, How i moan when alone, How i react when on the phone.
How i survive in this place, How i am in such a space, How i believed in my destiny, How i back stabbed others, melancholy.
How i spread my arms out, How i ignored you oh so stout, How i arrogantly walked away, How i forgot u, made u dismay.
How i leaned on your shoulder, How i bothered you like a boulder, How i am such a weight, How i deserve to be fish bait.
How i do not deserve to live, How i manage to harm your sieve, How i burned you from my life, How i wish i hadn't been in such a strife.
How i die on that day, How i will see your face, no way, How i leave this world untouched, How i would have done nothing such dutch.
In the end everything and everyone will just leave me; I have nothing to offer them and all i have done is caused them distress. How i am such a foolish creature to have thought myself one of them, how unworthy of me to be a friend. I know that one day all will be lost because of this journey i have taken, my destiny is sealed. One day soon i will just end up hurting everyone around me, nobody can love me. For who could love such a creature, Beauty and the Beast is just another fairy tale.
In no world is happiness that easy to find, especially more difficult to those around me. I was born to love but not to be loved. I never show my love or care this is the cause of my despair, I was such a coward all this time, everyone would have just run away. How i long to be finally loved, how i wish this dream was a reality.
It does not matter where i walk anymore, because i know i have no new beginning in the end. No matter where i turn to it will only come back to haunt me, how i have mistreated everyone, how i lack the capacity to befriend. The beginning is in fact only possible if there is an end. I am the end.
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Monday, March 17, 2008
8:05 PM
Today is dedicated to my wonderful fwen CANDICE CHOO ~.. Omg totally pwnage haha... SO ure 16 now ! Same age as me omg.. how time flies.. not cannot bully you sian sian sian. Ah well life goes on right ? Well happy bday girl and like totally i know ure secret HEHEHE.. I shall spread it out because ure 16 birthday is suppose to be special right ? Ok so,
Well anyway besides that secret i would just like to say special thanks to Candice who like totally helped me cheer up and like yeah all the time helping me get through my problems with my teams and so on haha. Although only on msn and msging alot haha but oh well its ok i still appreciate it SOOOO much ~ And like Elaina too for helping cheer me up on sat when i bowled like a fucker too haha... But yeah this is suppose to be about candice so heck haha !
Anywayz, long time has passed since i have known u... from since u were like totally just copying Elaina and whenever u see me always call me gay haha to now when u are like so thoughtful and kind~ Also like totally in love with some people makes u seem so cute haha !. Denial = Stage 1 of love haha... And its like yeah totally awesome now that i get to talk to you more often and yeah we are kinda in the same boat only you haf slightly less pain wid the "two". But yeah still a bit pained and i wish u the BESTTT of luck for like whenever ure bowling which is first day tmr :) And like yeah to ure team mates as well... i know stacy is one of them but not sure abt the rest haha ~
Ok poem time,
Just when you helped me from going astray, You were so wonderful, today. Your birth marked a remark, And now your leaving it behind with a bark.
I mean it in a good way, I just dont know what to say. Your truly a good friend, I wish we will never disband.
Ok so thats done haha...
NOW SHOUT OUT ~... To all those bowling 'b'division especially my gal friends ! Its like i wish u the tods best of luck in like all ure games and all your days and i will be with u there in spirit haha ! So i wish u all the best of luck and perseverance!
Dedication to candice!
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Sunday, March 16, 2008
1:11 PM
I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS
So much maths its driving me insane so many papers ! Maths maths maths
I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS
Maths is all i think about, Maths is all i see, My brains about to become stout, Thinking about maths B.
Maths sucks maths is lame, Almost like ure mothers frame, Maths sucks maths is gay, It just ruins my entire day.
I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS I HATE MATHS
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Friday, March 14, 2008
9:58 PM
Ok so Elaina is busy posting about Jungle Man AKA Marc wee and its like getting totally weird.. so i just wanted to post this for commentator reasons.
1) Whats with the blue post. 2) I just find it all totally weird 3) I like my feminine intuition title. 4) Relax marc elaina likes to give people nicknames. 5) Why am i posting this nvm.
A poem for them,
Brothers and sisters hand in hand, Relax and come together dont disband. Enjoy each other every day, Because one time u wont know what to say.
expressing the emptiness inside me..
9:49 PM
Yes today was soo weird... Training at OCC then we haf like our own "internal" masters. Apparently Anthony gave me chance and let me qualify for the final 2 with willie. Unfortunately i lose sob* sob* but it was a good fight haha had like 2 7 10 splits so what to do ? Oh well. And what else let me see... Oh yeah then went to anthonys house which was quite fun haha his house very nice :)
So there we were like discussing weird stuff and he was like trying to show off his pwnage CS skills by fighting against bots.. O.O and his pro ownage audition skills with 1 hand @.@. Ok so yeah. Then we watched Juno which is so uberly cool sort of. Sex show ROX. Oh well. I wanted to watch a horror movie after but my mum forced me home :( .. so i had to leave his house sadly.. couldnt stay over another sad thing. Oh well when life gives u lemons kill the person who gave u the lemon.
And then lets see ~ hrm . Oh yeah went to uncle sam to go do my balls becos tmr masters.. and i think i ticked lok chor off because he was like being concerned of my transport and i just said like i will find my way lax thanks. Then he was like so serious like i am VERY RELAXED~ DONT EVER ASK ME TO RELAX~.. that sounds tense and unrelaxed to me but oh well different people haf different ways of relaxing~.
Anywayz then it was like so weird i wanted to go Elaina's house badly~ but it was like so totally sad. She like said i couldnt come the day before then today she said yeah u can come study with me OMG!. Then she msned that no mood haha ! and she was sleeping. So i should have gone haha !. But no diff. I am a happy person now :).
Poem time,
Lost in the abyss of time, You found me out of crime, I feel so happy and gay, U are the sun in my day.
Just when i thought u left me, You came back with tea. U know what i love and where it is, I hope to be with You forever.
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Thursday, March 13, 2008
8:27 PM
Today was so weird ~ Omgosh at CoE training this bizzare boy came to our lanes and just put in a name and started bowling and we were like O.O. Jungle Man was there, but it was Darly who saved the day ! And then i got pissed because i could not release the ball properly... so saddening :( :( sob sob. Then Marc ( Jungle Man) was being so mean by being talented and putting such nice shots that i got pissed with him.
So we decided to play WAHJONG 2nite eventhough i am not good and basically dont understand most things about it hehe :). But oh well thats the fun in it :). I am so Harpy ~ Oh and also we were like laughing the entire CoE because Rosevelt and I had a discussion that shit is not rubbish and rubbish is not shit because u dont shit rubbish and u dont throw shit into a rubbish bin... CHILDISH MUCH~.
It was like tods funny. And now as partially promised the first verse of my song career~..
Oh just follow me to wherever i may go, If i fall please be there to catch me. It makes it feel like daily sorrows .....have become..... alright, When i look in ure eyes. My heart fliess........ soooo high!
And the people of this shadow, Brought to life, They just dont know, Oh they just dont know.......Ohhh, That we........ Belong..... Together...Forever more.... ohh yeah...
FIrst 2 verses please comment haha when i can try to get some1 to sing it in the right keys ill post it haha :) i cant sing :(
X0xo :) me.
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
11:17 PM
Omg today american idol was soo good... i was seriously damn cheered up by their performances. Omg so amazing ... rly can cry one... how wussy-like of me but sob sob SOO GOOD.
My new <3 style="color: rgb(51, 255, 255);">Brooke White. Omg when she sang i was like soo.. omg.. its so melodic she doesnt even need to power her voice and it sounds so sweet... Lips of an angel.. truly, Omg and when she plays the piano.. her expression omg i am soo truly amazed by her... Lovely. *crying now*. 2 weeks ago since i started loving her...
Most recent one...
Omg please listen to this i love it with my heart and soul.. omg so touching and heartwarming.. *still crying*
Sry for my unnecessary tears but i am just so omg she is rly ownage... without even the power omg.. :)
Oh and the next 2 <3's style="color: rgb(204, 255, 255);">CARLY SMITHSON ~~ my first ,3 but unfortunately overthrown....
Omg when she sang this i thought she totally overthrew Amanda in her "rock" outlook eventhough carly wasnt going for the whole rocker attitude but omg its so OWNAGE~ YES and lastly ~ DAVID ARCHULETA Complete and uber pwnage amongst the guys OMG ~ i will always (Omg the vid got problem SOBS) I will never agree with EVIL comments of judges when its david ~
Ok so yeah totally .... overall it was a great great great night and i loved almost everyone... except well kristy a bit O.O. But oh well omg overall Brooke totally pwned the entire competition~ I rly rly <3 hehe =")."> Oh and yes my signature... ending...
I was lost in this once world, You showed me the elliptical swirls, Life now has new meaning, I feel like a renewed being.
So many days pasted and i was left a blur, U spoke to me with such softness in ure slur, I really love you dont you know? How i wish u were my bow.
Along this shore i must admit, I never thought i would submit, composure, indulgence, Ingenuity, Amazing. My heart is ever blazing.
Well dere u go :) from now on i am gonna start writing songs so i'll post them and give me ure comments haha thanks :). Hopefully they would be nice.
Sorry for the ending BIG BIG letters ... something wrong wid it cant edit :(
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
3:22 PM
Training training thats all my life is about...
Nobody here to fill the empty space, Once a loner always a last, Many a day has past now gone forever, Why am i writing this i will never know.
So how it may seem u arei n shallow water, Cry for me and be my one and only, See me and fly me away, Rock its life.. come to say.
Jaggered in my heart, A deep stone pierces, Nobody left. Nobody home, I am all alone.
Aiyoh so hard to post pics.. getting annoying O.O... oops.
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Sunday, March 9, 2008
9:25 AM
BOOOO just got back... and now i am emoed.... again another poem.
How strange i feel, It seems so unreal, I was never thought the sights of zeal, But i feel like running away from this bill.
Oh well w/e... this is so emoed i might not go masters SO EMOING !! Novice competition also i cant qualify :(... So many things confusing.. i feel like being emoed..
JOKES ~ (How random??)
Ok there were 3 guys... one chinese one malay and one indian. So they were put to the test by asking to stand in the room with the worlds smelliest pig.
Chinese DUde : I will go in ! I can do it ! A few seconsd later.... : OMG I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE Malay DUDE : I will try my best ! A few more seconds later .... : OMG DAMN ITS SMELLY Indian DUDE : I will do it ! A few seconds later.... The pig ran out O.O?
Ok now some IQ tests...
1) If a rooster lays an egg on a very steep roof where will the egg roll ? 2) If an electric train goes <--- way and the wind goes<--- way where will the smoke go ? 3) If sea level is at 2 steps and a ship will always be at 1 step... where will the ship be if the sea level was 6 steps? 4) A guy wants to go to a truth village... but next to it is the liars village... so he came across the crossroads with a dude standing there not knowing if he is a liar or a truth teller... so what is the one question he can ask the guy that will lead him to the truth teller's village? (WARNING! going to the liars vilalge means end.. and u can ask only 1 question).
If u can answer 3/4 u are smart... if 0 u SUCK!... heheh...
Omgosh havent posted in a while but nvm i am back :). People keep harrasing me at school but i say nothing about it i feel so wussy-like. Sian.. i just dont want to show my true feelings because i might kill them.
ANYWAY, Omg american idol last night was sooo good... and the guys nite was also sooo gooodd.. Omg my favourites did so well hahah :)... Oh but the ownage 1's..
FOR THE GUYZ, DAVID..
FOR THE GIRLS, ASIA'H
Omgosh i love them so much... love them :)...
Oh yeah special thanks goes out to harris who has sort of been comforting me when i was about to kill myself//cut myself. Thanks ! Now i am positive again !! woots.
expressing the emptiness inside me..
Monday, March 3, 2008
8:11 PM
Unfeeling... Unknown...Uncaring.Unsure
There are many reasons why people feel sad.. but for me is by far the worst... I feel so sad when something doesnt go my way... is that wrong for me to say? I constantly induldge in self pity....Am i going astray? So many things i wish to say.... Would you love me when i am away?
Emoralizing. The momentum is slowing down. Life is but a simple bed of roses... You always get pricked by the thorns. If you thought life was tough... you never really went through it.
I been doing so bad... all this time i just wonder to myself. I am such a loser..Nobody really wants to be my friend... Everything around me is just in the abyss of distructive distractions. Aesthetic? I think not. I draw to relieve myself.. but what is the point when there isnt anyone to share it with. what is the reason for my life?
Is it wrong for me to question god's judgement. I think not. You should try it yourself too. Life is never what it seems. One day you have it..the next day you lose it. Deal with it.
~ TRUE FRIEND.
